Now, I will give these people some credit in saying that the Christmas rush is really starting to take liberties with how early they can get away with putting up lights and pushing Christmas sales. I saw some houses in my area put up lights on November 1st. To that I say a hearty 'Fuck You'. Halloween is nothing to fuck with, and Christmas can't go toe-to-toe with Halloween. Also, the holiday is almost two months away. To crib a saying from fantasy guru/co-writer of 'Crocodile Dundee III' Matthew Berry, Don't get too cute here, Christmas. Look, we get it. Your neighbors are inferior CHUDs that need reminding how repugnant they are via massive light displays synchronized to the tune of Fear's 'Fuck Christmas'. You are the Tracey Flick of Extension Cords, and your neighbors need to be reminded of that. But, seriously, Time and Place, dude.
All that said, I welcome this hostile takeover. Why? Because FUCK THANKSGIVING THAT'S WHY. Thanksgiving can blow Hugh Hefner's lifeless, irradiated Chernobyl of a cock for all I care. There are no redeeming qualities to Thanksgiving. First, let's start with the obvious: Family. Fuck your family. Look, I like my parents and my siblings. The rest of my family? Eh. Like any random assortment of people, you've got your clear winners and a lot more losers. I've got some family that will encourage me to drink and smoke on the porch with them, and these same people will SIMUTANEOUSLY JUDGE ME FOR DOING SO. You don't get to do that, fuckhole. I get I'm on the low-end of the success spectrum in my family, but you're the asshole swilling down a fucking sixer of Miller on the porch like its anti-venom and you just fell into a cobra pit. You lost your 'Looking Down on Me' privileges once you stiff armed the six year old during the touch football game. Its not like we're fucking Mormons or anything either. We're Catholics. We drink a fuck load, listen to angry music, and shamefully masturbate with the Our Lady of Guadalupe screen print turned towards the wall. This is our lot in life, and its been that way for a millennia.
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But, despite how bad it can be with relatives within 10 years of your age, its the extremes that really fuck this holiday sideways. The age-ed family members all resent your lack of discipline, your inappropriate demeanor, and your (relative) youth in general. Every conversation with my extended family quickly deteriorates into a fucking indictment on my WAAAAAAAACKY character flaws that aren't being eroded away by society as quickly as they would like. 'Oh, so you're at ANOTHER job now? Well, that's INTERESTING'. I see what you're doing there, Elderly Relative of Marginal Interest to My Life at Large. You do realize that work is not the same as it was 80 years ago when you were still contributing to society, right? I get it. The only time you had to find a new job was when the Triangle Shirt-Waist factory burned down, and you had to find a new place to take your dreams out back to shoot in the head like Old Yeller. But, I don't DO MORNINGS. Nothing good happens in the morning. Except Croissanwiches. Croissanwiches are dope. (Writer's Note: This portion of my screed does NOT apply to my grandma, as she is awesome.)
But the elderly are NOTHING compared to the CHILDREN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Fucking children. I hate kids. I honestly cannot stand kids. They demand your constant attention, they're loud as fuck, and they are MEAN. Children are mean. Despicable, really. I remember two Thanksgivings ago, I passed out as I was thoroughly hungover from the night before. I awoke three hours later to a kid fucking slapping me. SLAPPING ME. I was clearly a sleeping entity. Even a goddamn kid knows not to wake a sleeping entity with SLAPPING. Now, that's fucked up enough, but then the goddamn hellion starts doing his ersatz Don Rickles and starts roasting me. He said I looked like Frankenstein (untrue) and that I have a weird nose (accurate, but still hurtful). Everyone thought it was so cute. It wasn't. He knows that's a dick thing to say, but he did it anyway. UNCOOL. Then he went off to abuse my cat or something else children can apparently do without consequence.
But, despite how bad it can be with relatives within 10 years of your age, its the extremes that really fuck this holiday sideways. The age-ed family members all resent your lack of discipline, your inappropriate demeanor, and your (relative) youth in general. Every conversation with my extended family quickly deteriorates into a fucking indictment on my WAAAAAAAACKY character flaws that aren't being eroded away by society as quickly as they would like. 'Oh, so you're at ANOTHER job now? Well, that's INTERESTING'. I see what you're doing there, Elderly Relative of Marginal Interest to My Life at Large. You do realize that work is not the same as it was 80 years ago when you were still contributing to society, right? I get it. The only time you had to find a new job was when the Triangle Shirt-Waist factory burned down, and you had to find a new place to take your dreams out back to shoot in the head like Old Yeller. But, I don't DO MORNINGS. Nothing good happens in the morning. Except Croissanwiches. Croissanwiches are dope. (Writer's Note: This portion of my screed does NOT apply to my grandma, as she is awesome.)
But the elderly are NOTHING compared to the CHILDREN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Fucking children. I hate kids. I honestly cannot stand kids. They demand your constant attention, they're loud as fuck, and they are MEAN. Children are mean. Despicable, really. I remember two Thanksgivings ago, I passed out as I was thoroughly hungover from the night before. I awoke three hours later to a kid fucking slapping me. SLAPPING ME. I was clearly a sleeping entity. Even a goddamn kid knows not to wake a sleeping entity with SLAPPING. Now, that's fucked up enough, but then the goddamn hellion starts doing his ersatz Don Rickles and starts roasting me. He said I looked like Frankenstein (untrue) and that I have a weird nose (accurate, but still hurtful). Everyone thought it was so cute. It wasn't. He knows that's a dick thing to say, but he did it anyway. UNCOOL. Then he went off to abuse my cat or something else children can apparently do without consequence.
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Another added wrinkle to my Thanksgiving pain is my continued vegetarianism. It's been five years now since I started this. It is not a novelty anymore. Stop it. Tofurky is not real turkey, sure. But that just means its not dry as shit despite being slow cooked for three years. Eating turkey is like eating tenderized balsa wood that can only be palatable my ceremonially drowning the goddamn thing in an tankard of gravy. Turkey is a bird that should only be eaten in intensely processed slivers (like God intended) or in some kind of 'Mad Max' survival situation. END OF GODDAMN STORY. Also, Stuffing? Cranberry Sauce? Pumpkin Pie Filler? Yams? It sounds like the holiday was just invented to clear out your fucking pantry before this trash succumbs to botulism.
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Another added wrinkle to my Thanksgiving pain is my continued vegetarianism. It's been five years now since I started this. It is not a novelty anymore. Stop it. Tofurky is not real turkey, sure. But that just means its not dry as shit despite being slow cooked for three years. Eating turkey is like eating tenderized balsa wood that can only be palatable my ceremonially drowning the goddamn thing in an tankard of gravy. Turkey is a bird that should only be eaten in intensely processed slivers (like God intended) or in some kind of 'Mad Max' survival situation. END OF GODDAMN STORY. Also, Stuffing? Cranberry Sauce? Pumpkin Pie Filler? Yams? It sounds like the holiday was just invented to clear out your fucking pantry before this trash succumbs to botulism.
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As loathsome as Black Friday and all of its subsequent mall tramplings are, I will take that shit every time if it means the eradication of Thanksgiving. Overpaying for knock-off electronics, whilst wedged between two women trying to break a Yankee Candle set over each other's head is nothing compared to sitting around watching the fucking Lions lose every year while mainlining Yuenglings directly into your renal cavity. I would argue Black Friday even has a more honorable origin than Thanksgiving. The proud wheels of commerce rolling over obese, loveless Midwestern women is still better than sad Native Americans and buckle hats. So, in short (not really), go Black Friday, fuck Thanksgiving, and if you need me, I'll be watching Aaron Rodgers' shoulder explode while I drunkenly draw Hand Turkeys.
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As loathsome as Black Friday and all of its subsequent mall tramplings are, I will take that shit every time if it means the eradication of Thanksgiving. Overpaying for knock-off electronics, whilst wedged between two women trying to break a Yankee Candle set over each other's head is nothing compared to sitting around watching the fucking Lions lose every year while mainlining Yuenglings directly into your renal cavity. I would argue Black Friday even has a more honorable origin than Thanksgiving. The proud wheels of commerce rolling over obese, loveless Midwestern women is still better than sad Native Americans and buckle hats. So, in short (not really), go Black Friday, fuck Thanksgiving, and if you need me, I'll be watching Aaron Rodgers' shoulder explode while I drunkenly draw Hand Turkeys.
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PODCAST NEWS! I went back and listened to the third season of Superego this week, and I continue to be surprised at how fucking unbelievable that show is. If you aren't familiar, Superego is a sketch show featuring Jeremy Carter, Matt Gourley (from 'James Bonding'), and Mark McConville. The sketches are character studies of the strangest people I have ever heard. Every episode has at least 20 phrases that have never been uttered before in the English language. It's really beyond description, so I'll just post this. You'll get the idea.
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PODCAST NEWS! I went back and listened to the third season of Superego this week, and I continue to be surprised at how fucking unbelievable that show is. If you aren't familiar, Superego is a sketch show featuring Jeremy Carter, Matt Gourley (from 'James Bonding'), and Mark McConville. The sketches are character studies of the strangest people I have ever heard. Every episode has at least 20 phrases that have never been uttered before in the English language. It's really beyond description, so I'll just post this. You'll get the idea.
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BROWNS NEWS! Campbell is out. This means that once again Brandon Weeden returns. I'm sure excited to see him overthrow a five yard screen pass and have it get intercepted by a safety playing a deep zone. I'm just glad I'm too busy to watch these games anymore, as I'm certain they would lead to a thunderous aneurysm.
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MUSIC! Gearing up for the massive undertaking that is the end of the year best-of list, so I'm just going to give you some quick hits again. Paavoharju's new record is great, but odd even for them, as they have now incorporated hip-hop into their outsider folk sound. If you're looking for some actual rap, Joey Bada$$ and Durag Dynasty released solid rap LPs this year. The Keats Collective just made all their releases from this year available for free on Bandcamp, and those are all definitely worth your time. I also dove into some punk stuff with RAD and Church Whips. Finally, if you're looking for metal, Pinkish Black, Oozing Wound. and The Body's new records are all pretty good. Happy Turkey Day!
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