The Emerald Miasma Top 75 Albums of 2013.

Wow.

 

2013, huh?

Ok, enough preamble, this is the EMERALD MIASMA TOP 75 FOR 2013.

75. Nails - 'Abandon All Life'.

Hateful grindcore/punk album that edited out anything that wasn't fucking annihilating.

VIDEO!

74. Detroit - 'Reality Denied'.

A half hour of massively abrasive powerviolence/hardcore punk interrupted by a minute of coughing.

BANDCAMP (WITH FREE ALBUM DOWNLOAD)!

73. Oozing Wound - 'Retrash'.

Chicago punk metal band welcomes you to the spaceship, Motherfucker (also, fuck NYC).

VIDEO!

72. The Dillinger Escape Plan - 'One of Us is the Killer'.

One of the most important names in progressive metal/mathcore returns to form with their best album in almost a decade.

VIDEO!

71. Homeboy Sandman - 'Kool Herc: Fertile Crescent'

Next great Stones Throw rapper kills tracks with his laid-back flow.

VIDEO!

70. Gorguts - 'Colored Sands'.

Death metal titans thunder from the North to decimate anyone in their unforgiving wake.

VIDEO!

69. Ghostface Killah and Adrian Younge - 'Twelve Reasons to Die'.

Tony Stark teams up with 'Black Dynamite' composer to make a vicious paean to the criminal underworld.

VIDEO!

68. Earthless - 'From the Ages'.

San Diego stoner/psych outfit loads four massive tracks with more riffs than it can handle.

VIDEO!

67. Kylesa - 'Ultraviolet'.

Sludgy Southern metal outfit gets darker, weirder, and heaver with impressive results.

VIDEO!

66. Pusha T - 'My Name is My Name'.

Pusha: He puts numbers on the boards.

VIDEO!

65. Njiqahdda - 'Serpents in the Sky'.

Mysterious Illinois doom outfit drops some heavy spirituality and heavier riffs.

VIDEO!

64. Joey Bada$$ - 'Summer Knights'.

Child prodigy continues to bring the Old School into the modern day world of rap.

VIDEO!

63. Pissed Jeans - 'Honeys'.

Sludgy punk band spits venom and knocks yr dick in the dirt (or pussy if situation requires).

VIDEO!

62. Kavinsky - 'Outrun'.

Zombie man makes electronic music for action thrillers and/or dancefloor fingerblastins.

VIDEO!

61. Le1f - 'Fly Zone'.

Rapper gets freak nasty on the track, and on your dude.

VIDEO!

60. Stomach Earth - 'S/T'.

Massachusetts man makes grim doom metal for the Ancient Ones.

VIDEO!

59. RAD - 'Loud and Fast'.

Old-school hardcore punks blast through 22 songs in 11 minutes with Lady Energy.

VIDEO!

58. Autre Ne Veux - 'Anxiety'.

Dudes make 80's synth music for your inner earnest love-struck idiot.

VIDEO!

57. Night Birds - 'Born to Die in Suburbia'.

Jersey punks open with a cover 'Escape from NY' theme and end with their boot in yr teeth.

VIDEO! (NOT FROM THE ALBUM, BUT FROM 'THE CHRIS GETHARD SHOW'!)

56. Huerco S. - 'Colonial Patterns'.

Dark, dry, droning electronic dude makes headphone music for late night ruminations.

VIDEO!

55. Cult of Fire - 'मृत्युकावीभत्सनृत्य'.

Czech dudes make Indian-influenced black metal and title the album in Sanskrit, because 'Fuck You'.

VIDEO!

54. Vatican Shadow - 'Remember Your Black Day'.

Unsettling electronics for walking through a goddamn warzone.

VIDEO!

53. Shit and Shine - 'Find Out What Happens When People Start Being Polite For a Fucking Change'.

Album Title of the Year winner makes weird, disjointed dance-funk, IDM, and dance pop.

VIDEO!

52. Jon Hopkins - 'Immunity'.

Breakout Electronic Star of 2013 makes icy, glitchy tracks to tune out the world to.

VIDEO!

51. Aidan Baker - 'Already Drowning'.

Melancholy dark ambient producer gets several melancholy women to get melancholy on some tracks.

VIDEO!

50. Moderat - 'II'.

Three electronic titans reunite to make austere dance tracks for people (mostly Germans).

VIDEO!

49. King Krule - '6 Feet Beneath the Moon'.

London Ginger goes Cockney Billy Bragg over spacious, lamenting instrumentation.

VIDEO!

48. Mikal Cronin - 'MCII'.

Sunny garage rock from a dude too good to just be Ty Segall's bassist.

VIDEO!

47. A$AP Ferg - 'Trap Lord'.

Trap Lord fucked yo bitch (SWAG!)

VIDEO!

46. Clutch - 'Earth Rocker'.

Maryland rockers return to drink booze, get religious, and rock Earths.

VIDEO!

45. Gesaffelstein - 'Aleph'.

Violent, throbbing mélange of industrial pounding and detached dance for uber-chic junkies.

VIDEO!

44. Thee Oh Sees - 'Floating Coffin'.

Garage rock royalty make another great record to no one's surprise.

VIDEO!

43. Denzel Curry - 'Nostalgia 64'.

FXRMVR RVIDVR KLVN MXMBXR BRINGZ THX PHXNK MIVMV STYLX.

VIDVX!

42. Chvrches - 'The Bones of What You Believe'.

Scotch electro-pop decimates blogosphere bandwidth due to catchy hooks, misogyny/misandry debates.

VIDEO!

41. Armand Hammer - 'Race Music'.

Dudes get together to make politically minded rap that's smart, occasionally funny, and always biting.

VIDEO!

40. Superchunk - 'I Hate Music'.

Indie rock's old guard reminds me why I loved indie rock so much at one point in my life.

VIDEO!

39. Fuck Buttons - 'Slow Focus'.

Experimental electronic group/ornamental brooch aficionados make it's most cohesive album to date.

VIDEO!

38. Jenny Hval - 'Innocence is Kinky'.

Experimental artist explores sexual obsessions over orchestral dissonance and jagged guitars.

VIDEO!

37. Deafheaven - 'Sunbather'.

Post-Black metal dudes make 'Dream House' and win all the critic's superlatives.

VIDEO!

36. Stara Rzeka - 'Cień Chmury Nad Ukrytym Polem'.

Polish dude blends multiple genres to create a dark, sweeping epic that defies classification.

VIDEO!

35. Limbs Bin - 'Summertime Blues'.

I don't fucking know.

VIDEO! (NOT FROM THIS ALBUM, BUT YOU'LL GET THE IDEA BETTER THIS WAY!)

34. Valley Lodge - 'Use Your Weapons'.

The Pride of Cleveland joins up with dude from Walt Mink to make sweet power pop.

VIDEO!

33. Prurient - 'Through the Window'.

Noise dude continues to experiment with the idea of making accessible music.

VIDEO!

32. Deap Vally - 'Sistrionix'.

Critically derided rock duo that prove critics are the goddamn worst.

VIDEO!

31. Janelle Monae - 'The Electric Lady'.

The Cindi Mayweather chronicles continue along as funky, fresh, and fucking dope as ever.

VIDEO!

30. Shadowrunners - 'S/T'.

Anime obsessed rappers drop heavy bars over 80's pop and 8-bit jamz.

VIDEO!

29. Inspectah Deck and 7L + Esoteric - 'Czarface'.

Underground stalwarts converge on one of the dopest collaborations in years.

VIDEO!

28. Anamanaguchi - 'Endless Fantasy'.

Super saccharine 8-bit demigods explode with over an hour of high energy pop.

VIDEO!

27. Man's Gin - 'Rebellion Hymns'.

War Vet turns metal dude turns country doomsayer shaking clenched fists to God.

VIDEO!

26. Stellar Om Source - 'Joy One Mile'.

Esoteric c30 drone queen transforms into bass heavy, icy dance floor igniter.

VIDEO!

25. Church of Misery - 'Thy Kingdom Scum'.

Japanese serial killer obsessives release yet another stoner metal gem.

VIDEO!

24. Demon Queen - 'Exorcise Tape'.

Tobacco teams with Zackey Force Funk to get dark, funky and covered in syrup.

VIDEO!

23. Parquet Courts - 'Light Up Gold'.

Brooklyn garage punks drop fully realized debut LP that sounds lived-in and familiar.

VIDEO!

22. Disclosure - 'Settle'.

Without a doubt the most dance-y album released this year.

VIDEO!

21. Paavoharju - ' Joko Sinä Tulet Tänne Alas Tai Minä Nousen Sinne'.

Mildly Cultish Finnish collective incorporates hip-hop into their freak folk sound.

VIDEO!

20. Wormed - 'Exodromos'.

Highly technical death metal made for the Geth in 'Mass Effect' (probably).

VIDEO!

19. Run the Jewels - 'S/T'.

El-P and Killer Mike made an album, and that's all you need to hear.

VIDEO!

18. Peach Kelli Pop - '2nd Album'.

Sunny guitar pop and 60's girl-group sounds converge with dark undertones.

VIDEO!

17. Grouper - 'The Man Who Died in His Boat'.

Airy, ethereal folk ambient music from some form of ghostly sea witch.

VIDEO!

16. St. Pepsi - 'Hit Vibes'.

Chopped and screwed brassy blue-eyed soul and 80's dance pop.

VIDEO!

15. Vhol - 'S/T'.

This album has 'Arising', and that is reason enough to listen to this excellent album.

VIDEO!

14. Mutoid Man - 'Helium Head'.

Dudes from Converge and Cave In make a Lightning Bolt record, but groovier.

VIDEO!

13. Tony Touch - 'The Piece Maker 3: Return of the 50 MCs'.

50 of the best MCs get together and make Old School Rap 101.

VIDEO!

12. The Flaming Lips - 'The Terror'.

Wayne Coyne & Co. continue down the dark wormhole they entered on 'Embryonic'.

VIDEO!

11. Tim Hecker - 'Virgins'.

The best electronic musician active today releases another instant classic.

VIDEO!

10. KA - 'The Night's Gambit'.

Dark, foreboding rap that (as Anthony Fantano put it) plays more like a confession of guilt.

VIDEO!

9. Pantha du Prince & the Bell Laboratory - 'Elements of Light'.

Chilly electronic musician teams up with a bunch of bells to make a hauntingly pretty album.

VIDEO!

8. Melt Yourself Down - 'S/T'.

Strap the fuck in for an adrenaline rush of afrobeat, world music, and electronics.

VIDEO!

7. Robedoor - 'Primal Sphere'.

Finally, the drone artists are taking drum lessons.

VIDEO!

6. YC the Cynic - 'GNK'.

Bronx rapper conjures images that are darkly humorous, insightful, and matter-of-factly threatening.

VIDEO!

5. Melt Banana - 'Fetch'.

Japanese spazz rockers explode back onto the scene with more energy than ever.

VIDEO!

4. マクロスMACROSS 82-99 - 'ネオ東京'.

Big, bold mash-up of 80's party jams, funk, soul, yacht rock, muzak, and whatever else sticks.

VIDEO!

3. Future of the Left - 'How to Stop Your Brain in an Accident'.

FOTL at their most adventurous coupled with the darkest fucking lyrics Falcous has ever penned.

VIDEO!

2. The Journeymen - 'Mount Us More'.

The dudes from Superego made a country album, and none of us are worthy of it.

BANDCAMP!

1. Queens of the Stone Age - '...Like Clockwork'.

Josh Homme had to go to the brink of death to bring this masterpiece back with him.

VIDEO!

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That's all for now. The HEART STOPPERS FOR PARTY STARTERS MIX will be posted before your New Year's Party pops off.

The 2013 Musical Blitzdown.

2013 has come to an erotic end. Another year of powerful music for righteous dudes/dudettes. But before releasing the grand list of the Top 75 Albums of the Year, I feel like some topics from this year need discussed and some distinctions duly noted. So, with that in mind, I present the 2013 BLITZDOWN.
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First of all, let's start with the obvious. Was this a good year for music? Yes, but it should have been much better. On one hand, this year was loaded with very good albums from pretty much every genre. Lots of new faces emerged onto the scene with a bang and began feeding off that oh-so-coveted blog hype (Haim, Jai Paul, and Chance the Rapper all come to mind here). Old veterans found a late career renaissance out of nowhere (Bowie is the obvious example, but Gorguts, Black Sabbath, Wire, and Depeche Mode all released what many consider to be strong comeback albums this year). Pretty much every major pop artist released an album this year (I don't want to research the accuracy of this, but it really seemed that way). Genres clashed more than ever. Yeezus dirtied his sound up and Daft Punk turned their gaze back to the light rock/funk/disco of the late 70's/early 80's, while Stellar Om Source incorporated punishing bass into her drone-y synth washes. Everyone was trying something new out, and regardless of the result, it felt like THEY WERE TRYING. In a sense, this should probably be one of the greatest, most influential years in music in recent memory.
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But while this was an exciting year for music, and there were some really cool albums, I feel like there was a lack of truly GREAT albums. It's especially hard when the most acclaimed albums of the year (Kanye, Vampire Weekend, Arcade Fire, Daft Punk) were all albums I was either not interested in, was disappointed by, or outright hated. I really see few of this year's consensus list-toppers holding up in the years to come. 

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It's also hard to balance out the fact that this year laid the groundwork for some truly groundbreaking stuff with the fact that I was supremely let down by dozens of releases this year. This was supposed to be my personal year of musical ecstasy. This was the year that Boards of Canada, The Knife, Daft Punk, Queens of the Stone Age, The Flaming Lips, Future of the Left, Boris, Paavoharju, Prurient, Melt Banana, My Bloody Valentine, Barn Owl, Moderat, Major Lazer, Church of Misery, Doomriders, Ken Mode, Steve Moore, Kvelertak, Kylesa, Man... or Astroman?, Oneohtrix Point Never, Kavinsky, Pantha du Prince, Quasimoto, Deltron 3030, Shit and Shine, Grouper, Queen Elephantine, The Body and Ellen Allien ALL RELEASED ALBUMS THIS YEAR. Coupled with the excellent newcomers that popped up this year, and I should be in fucking Heaven right now. But, despite several of these artists making some incredible music this year, just as many were crushingly disappointing.
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There was a lot to be excited about though. First of all, this was a massive year for rap. If you were a mainstream fan, you have what most are considering the overall Album of the Year in 'Yeezus', as well as big releases from Jay-Z, Eminem and Drake. If you like your rap indie-kid friendly, Kid Cudi, Childish Gambino, Chance the Rapper, and Earl Sweatshirt dropped massively acclaimed albums. If you dig on trap... well, this couldn't be more your year (TRAP LORD SWAG BITCHES!). Even old school devotees got a ton of surprises, with Tony Touch's 'Return of the 50 MCs' project, as well as comeback efforts from Inspectah Deck (as 1/3 of Czarface), Deltron 3030, and RA the Rugged Man. Le1f and Zebra Katz among others helped to bring the gay rap scene to a wider audience (I can't bring myself to refer to it as a 'coming out party'). But most interestingly, it seems like decades into the genre, experimental outsider elements have officially taken root in rap's often rote aesthetic. The rap world was not defined so notably by the mainstream/underground dichotomy it has become known for over nearly the past two decades. 'Yeezus' is the obvious example, but both sides of the coin are crossing party lines as it were to keep fresh and relevant (with perhaps RA the Rugged Man being the lone exception). Chance the Rapper and The Underachievers brought the rap world into the hallucinogenic age, KA and YC the Cynic made sparce, dark records that are rarely seen in the rap game, and Lil' B continued to... Lil' B. Rap hasn't been this intriguing since the early 90's, and yes I know the weight those words carry, but I firmly believe it.
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It's been discussed on elsewhere already (Stereogum is where I first saw this discussed), but it's important to note that metal saw a shift from the black/doom/ambient massive epic releases of the past several years to the more straightforward realm of death metal. It seems a bit jarring at first blush considering how thoroughly bands like Nachtmystium, Wolves in the Throne Room, Mastodon, and any number of P4K friendly metal acts have legitimately been killing it this last half decade, but in retrospect, the signs were there for anyone willing to notice (NOTE: I wasn't apparently). 

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Hardcore metal dudes have had what I can only imagine as a hard time over the past decade. On one hand, the genre has undoubtedly increased in viability and popularity since it's relegation to the musical ghettos of the 90's. But on the other hand, it's come at the expense of what many of these fans would call 'metal'. It starts with bands like Neurosis and Red Sparrowes on one side and bands like Converge and Pig Destroyer on the other. Then you see Boris, WitTR, Russian Circles, and others hacking at the fringes of what a metal dude would classify as it's kin. Soon 'metal' becomes a catch-all term with loose signifiers that could mean anyone from Exodus to Botanist. Then Liturgy happens, and the old guard finally raises their middle fingers in protest and gets to work on bringing their form of brutal back in a massive way.
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It also helped that the 'hipster metal' genre had begun a steady descent into self-indulgent seppuku due to a critical lack of editing. I'm not going to pretend like I am some kind of death metal purist taking a proverbial victory lap. I am not ashamed by my love of many of those bands I listed above, and I really didn't have my eye on bands like Gorguts, Autopsy, or Carcass. But even though I'm not the hugest death metal fan out there, and I didn't love all the releases this thunderous renaissance of sorts has provided, I give them credit for cutting the fucking fat. This year's outcropping of metal releases had more goddamn shoe leather than a cobbler shop.
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This year also saw a lot of names from the drone-y cassette culture from the mid-00's make a radical shift to commercial viability. This isn't a new thing, as Bethany from Pocahaunted made the leap with her group Best Coast, Grimes making the leap into icy (if disjointed) synth-pop, and Prurient's 2011 release 'Bermuda Drain' was an almost dance-y affair (NOTE: 'Bermuda Drain' was my Album of the Year that year to give you some completely unrelated backstory), but this year saw a massive amount of those artists integrate... umm... general listenability into their sound. It could be as simple as Plankton Wat cleaning up their sound quality to Robedoor using drums (and not in a noisy, dissonant manner) to Stellar Om Source going full four on the floor on people. It all makes me excited for when Racoo-oo-oon drops their album of trap rap in 2014.
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As for the rest of my stray observations, I still could care less about indie folk/'rock'. I'm sure there was some kind of seminal indie release that will be touted by a guy in tortoise shell glasses and 7 scarves from this year that will be prominently featured in Zach Braff's bullshit Kickstarter movie, but I'm not aware that it happened as of now. If you don't know, and I'm going out on a VERY small limb here and saying you don't, I hate what indie rock has become.  It's not because I think it's effete, flouncy, masturbatory bullshit (which it certainly is), but because it's soulless garbage touting itself as enlightened introspection. Look, I certainly love my fair share of shameless, money grabbing dreck, but at least it's honest about it's intentions and not THE MOST BORING MUSIC EVER MADE. Nick Drake shakes his head at Bon Iver from the grave.
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Despite a lot of experimentation and stylistic shifts for several artists this year, a lot of people kept in their lane, killing it as they do. Thee Oh Sees and Ty Segall aren't going to switch much up on you from album to album, but few artists are as consistently stellar (and prolific) as they are. Clutch and Melt Banana also didn't do much in regards to switching up their sound, but both came back into prominence this year simply by doing what they do better than they have in years. You don't always have to fuck up your sound. If you're in the pocket, then roll with it.
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I was a bit disappointed with the slight return of several giants of the long forgotten world of IDM. Autechre, Boards of Canada, and m-ziq all released albums this year, and all showed why these once incredibly vital groups faded so quickly. Of the three, Autechre comes out looking the best, but his album is two hours of what Autechre has done for the past two decades, which sounds more and more dated as time passes. Traditional Electronic music in general was a rough scene this year, with a few notable exceptions (Disclosure, Tim Hecker and Jon Hopkins come to mind). Over the past decade, most electronic music has either pushed itself to the fringe (as is the case with The Knife) or been subsumed into more commercially viable genres like pop and rap. It reminds me a bit of what happened to R&B after their big late 90's boom. Dudes like Ginuwine, Brian McKnight, R. Kelly, et al. were a dime a dozen and wildly popular. Now, R&B is just fodder for club track hooks or dour, experimental ruminations. Frank Ocean and The Weeknd are the obvious examples, but even R. Kelly had to transform into some kind of chimeric amalgam of gonzo storyteller/sexual deviant to survive the cull (Although, to be fair, I'm sure it was really more due to the trial, but you get my meaning).
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The ever churning machine that is pop also saw an influx of actually interesting lifeblood into its STEELY, UNFORGIVING VEINS (NOTE: I don't actually hate pop). Lorde was blasted from every lady friend I know's car stereo since her EP and subsequent LP dropped, but there were tons of passable songs from artists like Sky Ferreira, Major Lazer, Charli XCX, and Chvrches that kept indie-pop fans satisfied this year. JT, Gaga, Beyoncé, Miley, and the rest of the usual cast of characters dropped records to maintain quota or whatever. I'm sure they're fine simulacrum of album-type musical arrangements. (NOTE AGAIN: I don't hate pop. I'm just disappointed in most pop stars' lack of being Janelle Monae).
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Robin Thicke happened.

Also, everyone wanted to have Pharell sing on their record this year for some unknown goddamn reason.

Also also, I like that Ariana Grande song. I'd like it a lot more if Mac Miller were nowhere near it. He makes Kreayshawn look like fucking Nas.

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That's about all I can think to talk about.
Coming up this Friday, EMERALD MIASMA'S TOP 75 ALBUMS OF 2013 + HEART STOPPERS FOR PARTY STARTERS MIX! GET HYPE!

TWIY: Thanksgiving Nonsense.

I have been hearing a lot more people than usual bemoan the marginalization of Thanksgiving this year. Every year you hear the standard arguments from people that Christmas is encroaching further and further into Thanksgiving's modest territory and rendering the holiday more obsolete. These people will then throw in a lot of words like 'FAMILY' and 'TOGETHERNESS' and 'RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS MEDICATION' and other things old people say that you block out because you're too busy not teetering on the precipice of eternal slumber to do more than be politely indifferent.

Now, I will give these people some credit in saying that the Christmas rush is really starting to take liberties with how early they can get away with putting up lights and pushing Christmas sales. I saw some houses in my area put up lights on November 1st. To that I say a hearty 'Fuck You'. Halloween is nothing to fuck with, and Christmas can't go toe-to-toe with Halloween. Also, the holiday is almost two months away. To crib a saying from fantasy guru/co-writer of 'Crocodile Dundee III' Matthew Berry, Don't get too cute here, Christmas. Look, we get it. Your neighbors are inferior CHUDs that need reminding how repugnant they are via massive light displays synchronized to the tune of Fear's 'Fuck Christmas'. You are the Tracey Flick of Extension Cords, and your neighbors need to be reminded of that. But, seriously, Time and Place, dude.

All that said, I welcome this hostile takeover. Why? Because FUCK THANKSGIVING THAT'S WHY. Thanksgiving can blow Hugh Hefner's lifeless, irradiated Chernobyl of a cock for all I care. There are no redeeming qualities to Thanksgiving. First, let's start with the obvious: Family. Fuck your family. Look, I like my parents and my siblings. The rest of my family? Eh. Like any random assortment of people, you've got your clear winners and a lot more losers. I've got some family that will encourage me to drink and smoke on the porch with them, and these same people will SIMUTANEOUSLY JUDGE ME FOR DOING SO. You don't get to do that, fuckhole. I get I'm on the low-end of the success spectrum in my family, but you're the asshole swilling down a fucking sixer of Miller on the porch like its anti-venom and you just fell into a cobra pit. You lost your 'Looking Down on Me' privileges once you stiff armed the six year old during the touch football game. Its not like we're fucking Mormons or anything either. We're Catholics. We drink a fuck load, listen to angry music, and shamefully masturbate with the Our Lady of Guadalupe screen print turned towards the wall. This is our lot in life, and its been that way for a millennia.
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But, despite how bad it can be with relatives within 10 years of your age, its the extremes that really fuck this holiday sideways. The age-ed family members all resent your lack of discipline, your inappropriate demeanor, and your (relative) youth in general. Every conversation with my extended family quickly deteriorates into a fucking indictment on my WAAAAAAAACKY character flaws that aren't being eroded away by society as quickly as they would like. 'Oh, so you're at ANOTHER job now? Well, that's INTERESTING'. I see what you're doing there, Elderly Relative of Marginal Interest to My Life at Large. You do realize that work is not the same as it was 80 years ago when you were still contributing to society, right? I get it. The only time you had to find a new job was when the Triangle Shirt-Waist factory burned down, and you had to find a new place to take your dreams out back to shoot in the head like Old Yeller. But, I don't DO MORNINGS. Nothing good happens in the morning. Except Croissanwiches. Croissanwiches are dope. (Writer's Note: This portion of my screed does NOT apply to my grandma, as she is awesome.)

But the elderly are NOTHING compared to the CHILDREN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Fucking children. I hate kids. I honestly cannot stand kids. They demand your constant attention, they're loud as fuck, and they are MEAN. Children are mean. Despicable, really. I remember two Thanksgivings ago, I passed out as I was thoroughly hungover from the night before. I awoke three hours later to a kid fucking slapping me. SLAPPING ME. I was clearly a sleeping entity. Even a goddamn kid knows not to wake a sleeping entity with SLAPPING. Now, that's fucked up enough, but then the goddamn hellion starts doing his ersatz Don Rickles and starts roasting me. He said I looked like Frankenstein (untrue) and that I have a weird nose (accurate, but still hurtful). Everyone thought it was so cute. It wasn't. He knows that's a dick thing to say, but he did it anyway. UNCOOL. Then he went off to abuse my cat or something else children can apparently do without consequence.

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Another added wrinkle to my Thanksgiving pain is my continued vegetarianism. It's been five years now since I started this. It is not a novelty anymore. Stop it. Tofurky is not real turkey, sure. But that just means its not dry as shit despite being slow cooked for three years. Eating turkey is like eating tenderized balsa wood that can only be palatable my ceremonially drowning the goddamn thing in an tankard of gravy. Turkey is a bird that should only be eaten in intensely processed slivers (like God intended) or in some kind of 'Mad Max' survival situation. END OF GODDAMN STORY. Also, Stuffing? Cranberry Sauce? Pumpkin Pie Filler? Yams? It sounds like the holiday was just invented to clear out your fucking pantry before this trash succumbs to botulism.
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As loathsome as Black Friday and all of its subsequent mall tramplings are, I will take that shit every time if it means the eradication of Thanksgiving. Overpaying for knock-off electronics, whilst wedged between two women trying to break a Yankee Candle set over each other's head is nothing compared to sitting around watching the fucking Lions lose every year while mainlining Yuenglings directly into your renal cavity. I would argue Black Friday even has a more honorable origin than Thanksgiving. The proud wheels of commerce rolling over obese, loveless Midwestern women is still better than sad Native Americans and buckle hats. So, in short (not really), go Black Friday, fuck Thanksgiving, and if you need me, I'll be watching Aaron Rodgers' shoulder explode while I drunkenly draw Hand Turkeys.
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PODCAST NEWS! I went back and listened to the third season of Superego this week, and I continue to be surprised at how fucking unbelievable that show is. If you aren't familiar, Superego is a sketch show featuring Jeremy Carter, Matt Gourley (from 'James Bonding'), and Mark McConville. The sketches are character studies of the strangest people I have ever heard. Every episode has at least 20 phrases that have never been uttered before in the English language. It's really beyond description, so I'll just post this. You'll get the idea.
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BROWNS NEWS! Campbell is out. This means that once again Brandon Weeden returns. I'm sure excited to see him overthrow a five yard screen pass and have it get intercepted by a safety playing a deep zone. I'm just glad I'm too busy to watch these games anymore, as I'm certain they would lead to a thunderous aneurysm.

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MUSIC! Gearing up for the massive undertaking that is the end of the year best-of list, so I'm just going to give you some quick hits again. Paavoharju's new record is great, but odd even for them, as they have now incorporated hip-hop into their outsider folk sound. If you're looking for some actual rap, Joey Bada$$ and Durag Dynasty released solid rap LPs this year. The Keats Collective just made all their releases from this year available for free on Bandcamp, and those are all definitely worth your time. I also dove into some punk stuff with RAD and Church Whips. Finally, if you're looking for metal, Pinkish Black, Oozing Wound. and The Body's new records are all pretty good. Happy Turkey Day!

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