TWIY: Workin' Man's Blues.

I haven't been updating this site nearly as much as I would like, and this is because I am now a WORKIN' MAN. Yes, I have finally achieved the impossible of failing upwards at my job into a position of mild responsibility. On the one hand, this is great because I can start saving money, become a responsible member of society, and blah blah. But on the other hand, I am pretty well wiped out. I work a moderately high stress job that requires a full pack of cigarettes, two Dunkin Donuts coffees, and a half case of La Croix water to complete with any efficacy. This leaves me very little free time to do anything fun. I'm usually too exhausted to go out after work, I don't really want to watch any particular movies right now, and outside of my weekly Amateur Extreme Contact Jai Alai League, I usually just want to sleep or dick around with the scum of the earth on Call of Duty: Black Ops multiplayer (Yes, I know) when I get home.

Working is pretty much the worst thing about living. As my incredibly jaded father often points out, 'Work is the only thing so awful that they have to pay you to do it', and this is coming from a guy that will work kids a third of his age under the fucking table with a reconstructed leg. I constantly vacillate between the Merle Haggard 'Working Man's Blues' take on work, where there is pride in grinding for most of your life, even if it is essentially miserable, and Aesop Rock's '9-5er's Anthem' take on work, where work is meaningless if it isn't furthering your own Campbellian Bliss. I am a child of disenchanted Rust Belt workers at my core. Most jobs are there to burn through fresh meat and spit you out when you have become obsolescent, but at the same time, I would much rather be a worker than a economic non-combatant.

There is so much to be said for someone that does something, no matter the parameters. No matter how chewed up and disregarded you feel at the end of the day, you still have a sense of accomplishment most of the time. The one good thing about low-level bitch work is that it is tangible. You do X for Y amount of hours and you will get Z amount of money. Now, those variables can fluctuate in fuckawfulness, but that premise remains the same. Until your bosses change them, which has happened at 60% of the jobs I have had. But, again, it's a perspective thing. I could be a child laborer in China making Air Jordans for 20 cents a day. Usually, someone's got it worse than you, and that's certainly true with me. But that trip down Logic Lane usually doesn't help when your on your 17th cigarette of the day and you friend texts you to come to his First and Only Summer Barbeque Extravaganza, where there'll be a free concert with Agalloch and Janelle Monae, and Lexi Belle stopped by to toss out free blowjays, and every keg is filled with Old Rasputin and Curious Traveler. But even then you'll know that having a strong work ethic is worth all the boozy oral sex set to the tune of 'Tightrope' in the world (no it isn't).
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I did manage to dog sit during my time away. I got roped into it as it was my only day off that week, and I'm too good of a person to say no. My brother and his wife are looking for new houses out of town, so I had to watch their dogs Chester and Oscar, as well as my parent's dogs Bella and Brutus. Four dogs. That's usually five dogs too many for me, but I rose to the challenge. First off, a breakdown of these dogs:

Brutus: A big, excitable Labrador of some type I think. Pretty dumb, even for a dog. Found outside our house one day, and was probably beaten pretty viciously by whoever owned him before us.

Bella: A purse dog. Yorkshire/Chihuahua. Very scruffy and needy.

Chester: An oddly proportioned dog that looks like a mix between the first two. He barks. A lot.

Oscar: Some manner of spaniel. Very sweet dog. Had to be forcibly removed from his previous owner's home. There were no specifics, but I can only imagine the circumstances being utterly terrifying. Because of this, he cowers at the sight of almost anyone/thing.

So, I figured I could do what I normally do when forced into this situation: close the door to my room and sleep for 6 hours until the problem took care of itself. But this time, I decided to channel my inner Cesar Milan and make this my day project, and let me tell you something: I AM THE KING OF DOG SITTING. I let them play in the snow, they all got lunchmeat treats, and EVERYONE GOT AS MANY EAR SCRATCHIES AS THEY WANTED. Even Oscar, who up until that day was terrified of me, was happy. I guess what I'm saying is that if you need dog sitting work, I am available.
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The only thing I have taken in over the past three weeks (besides podcasts and music, but I'll get to that later) is Twitter, and goddamn do I love Weird Twitter. Weird Twitter is a collective of people on Twitter that essentially tell jokes in a disjointed fashion, but it's too diverse and strange to sum it up like that. So, in lieu of me talking at length about all the wonderfully odd and beautiful facets of this community, I'm just going to suggest to you some absolutely necessary follows that you should get the fuck up on immediately. And now, a list:

@utilitylimb (Bandit)
@realtraphorse (Trashfuck Squadron)
@bakkooonn (Bakoon)
@davedittell (Dave Dittell)
@dogboner (Michael Hale)
@famoushorse (Horse Ugal. The Man)
@crunkdumpster (Broga Pants)
@djbitchtits (Queso)
@dads_secret (Your Dad)
@briangaar (Brian Gaar)
@dubstep4dads (Dubstep4Dads)
@dril (Wint)

... and my personal favorite...

@Tormny_Pickeals (Tormniably Piackeels)

I'm omitting about 100 or so great ones, but this is a primer of sorts. Check these dudes out (I'm pretty sure they're all dudes).
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PODCAST NEWS! Tom Scharpling was on an episode of 'Analyze Phish', the podcast where Harris Wittels tries to convince someone to like Phish. You need to hear it. Now.
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MUSIC NEWS! Sooooooooooooo much music to discuss. Let's tackle this super rapid-fire style. Tony Touch's 'Return of the 50 MCs' is like a primer for anyone looking to get into hip-hop. As the name suggests, Fifty of the greatest MCs of all-time come together to make one of the best albums of the year. Wormed is a massively aggressive, highly technical metal album that is just punishing from beginning to end. My friend Mike referred to it as 'Geth Metal' after the sentient robots from 'Mass Effect', and I tend to agree with his assessment. I got caught totally off-guard by the awesome self-titled album by the band Melt Yourself Down. Very high energy African jazz-funk type stuff that's worth checking out. The new self-titled Violetshaped is a great gothic electronic album that should be getting a bit more shine than it's been getting. Huerco S. is a really solid album of melancholy electronics in the same vein as Burial. Finally, you already should know how great the new Flaming Lips, Janelle Monae, and YC the Cynic albums are, but if not, get on it.
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TWIY: Blitz'll Putcha in Traction.

The Week in Yeah is Emerald Miasma's weekly round-up of the good, the bad, and the incomprehensible of pop culture, the world at large, and life in general, as seen by me

It's been a second since I have updated things here (thanks to my stunning consistent employment), so there's a lot to talk about. First and foremost, Halloween just ended, and now all of us brooding misanthropes are stuck in the post-Halloween hangover period from now until Thanksgiving, the holiday of the damned. I say hangover period both figuratively and literally, as I got cripplingly drunk and may have forever shifted my body's pH balance in the process.

I dressed up for Halloween, as I want to be a good sport, but keeping in the spirit of not being 'that dude', I did so in a manner that befits a non-asshole in their mid-20's: half-assed, cheaply, and only slightly clever. I went as Freddy Krueger because I have the shirt and hat, and I have access to plastic knives that won't poke me if and when I forget I have them on and try to chug a bottle of Yuengling. I did this mostly because going overboard for Halloween is never a good idea. Oh, you might think that everyone's going to fawn over you and drown you in compliments and willing genitals, but that's never the case. I've seen dozens of cosplaying Etsy Queen wannabes that are forced to stand all night, because their Marie Antoinette costume doesn't allow them to sit down without turning the inside of the dress into that scene from 'Suspiria' where that screamy woman falls into a barbed wire pit. All the girls in the super-revealing sexy costumes are going to be whining for coats 10 minutes into the party. Your latex scars will itch, your fun character props will get snagged in door jams, and the whole thing will only cost about $150.

This is why the best costume is always gorilla suit, no gorilla head, and one of those beer helmets. You're warm, you're festive, you have a veritable IV of alcohol at mouth level, and you can just piss in the costume and no one's going to notice in all likelihood. It's like the hospice care of Halloween costumes.
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Netflix had a pretty terrible horror movie selection on Watch Instant leading up to Halloween, which bummed me out a lot. But, they did have 'TNT Jackson' on Watch Instant recently, so it still manages to prove its worth (barely). 'TNT Jackson' is a kung-fu Blaxploitation movie starring former playmate Jeannie Bell and co-written by DICK FUCKING MILLER. The film follows the titular character through the Hong Kong underground on a search to find her brother, kicking ass all the while. The film has a lot of moderately acceptable kung-fu from Bell, who was never trained in martial arts, but was billed as the two-time Ebony Fist award winner, even though the award was completely made up by B-Movie Svengali Roger Corman. It's action packed, Bell is foxy as fuck, and the film is incredibly short. It's a perfect set up for a solid C-Movie.
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I've been watching a lot of 'River Monsters' on Netflix as well (maybe it's paying off more than I first anticipated). 'River Monsters' is a show where a British dude named Jeremy Wade goes around the world to fish for the biggest, scariest, and most dangerous freshwater fish. That's about it. A man fishing for scary fish. BUUUUUUUT, the show is still fascinating. Wade is a very intriguing dude, with some odd, unexplained back story that makes him seem like some kind of international spy. Each episode follows a similar path: Wade reads a story of someone swimming in a terrifying river that was eaten, he flies there, talks to some natives, catches some lesser scary fish, undergoes some kind of local blessing, catches the scary fish (although, to be fair, not always), and then releases the fish and decides whether or not the fish could kill someone.

Normally, I fear no fish. Fish are dumb, and I could just punch most of them and they'd swim away an chew on an aquatic plant. But, some of these fish are FUCKING TERRIFYING. There's a catfish called the Wels Catfish that can get up to 800 pounds in Spain. Again, this is in a fucking river. That shit could 86 your ass in no time. There's another fish in the Amazon called the Arapaima that launches itself like a missile out of the water if it gets cornered and it's like the size of a scuba tank. This show has taught me many things. Mongolia is beautifully terrifying and full of bandits, the Amazon is a death trap, the Congo River is easily the most horrifying river to ever be a river, and I actually owned one of these fish at one point in my life.

The Pacu is a vegetarian relative of the piranha, and has killed people in Papua New Guinea or something by BITING OFF DICKS. I owned a dick biting fish for like four years in my little tropical fish tank as a child. The fucking thing got so big that we had to bury it in the backyard when it died. Dick biting fish should not be allowed in a household fish tank. Dick biting fish should not even be allowed IN THE WILD. PetCo should be held accountable for all the potential dicks lost to these nightmare fish with a clear grudge against humanity.
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It took 15 years, but I finally broke ONE MILLION points in 'Tony Hawk: Pro Skater'. I await your inevitable forthcoming praise.
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BROWNS NEWS! The Browns win! They have defeated the Baltimore Ravens for the first time in eleven games. Davone Bess redeems himself in a huge way after the disaster that was the Chiefs game. Jason Campbell continues to be the anti-Weeden. Buster Skrine is becoming an excellent cornerback, which I would have NEVER seen coming. The Browns are now 4-5, and are looking up. They're even in the playoff hunt as of right now. All in all, I am excited about the rest of this season. 11-5 starts today!
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FANTASY FOOTBALL UPDATE! Week 9 has just ended, and I am still currently in SECOND PLACE. Now, I did lose this week, and I currently sit at 5-4, and I am technically tied with two other dudes in my division, and if I were in the other division I would be in 7th place, and Arian Foster is hurt, and I can't trade RG3 away to anybody, and I only have 3 running backs on my entire roster, and I'm definitely going to lose to my brother this week, and I'm probably going to limp into the playoffs, but hey, SECOND PLACE!!!!! FUCK ALL Y'ALL FOR THIS VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME!
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PODCAST NEWS! Lots to get to here. First and foremost, 'The Best Show on WFMU' is ending after 13 years in December. I cannot express my sadness about this, and I'll probably dedicate a much larger piece to this news closer towards the end of it's run. But, that said, my heart hurts from the news. I wish the best of luck going forward not just to Tom Scharpling, Jon Wurster, and Mike Lisk, but to anyone that has helped make 'The Best Show' one of the most meaningful programs I have ever been thankful enough to listen to. Seven more weeks. I'm sure they will be as incredible as always

On to some lighter subject matter, 'James Bonding' is a podcast with Matt Mira of 'The Nerdist' and Matt Gourley of 'Superego' where they dissect each of the Bond films with a guest, and I cannot recommend this enough. First off, any time I get to hear Matt Gourley talk is a treasure. Gourley is such a sweet man with such a twisted mind. He manipulates language like few people in comedy today. It's also good to hear Matt Mira without Jonah Ray constantly cutting him down or cutting him off (I like Jonah, but still) or Chris Hardwick doing his nonsense Ryan Secrest-esque dance of nerd neutrality and baseless positivity. Mira can really shine when he's not needlessly encumbered. The show is very thorough and the two Matts clearly know what they're talking about. It also reminded me of the goddamn 'Die Another Day' song Madonna did, and that really is one of the worst songs I have ever heard. So, thanks? Definitely worth checking out.
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MUSIC! The new Future of the Left album 'How to Stop Your Brain in an Accident' is fucking excellent. It's probably Andy Falkous at his most vitriolic, which is really saying something considering its source. Lines like 'But now he knows the truth about her former life/ She'll be passed around at parties in his sleep' are commonplace. This also the most adventurous the band has been since the Mclusky days, breaking their standard neo-punk sound up with pianos and acoustic guitars on occasion. Seriously, if you don't know about Future of the Left, get the fuck on it.

From the excellent Burger Records comes the second album from Peach Kelli Pop. PKP is a lady songwriter with a strong sunny pop core, but some pretty aggressive guitars complimenting the cheeriness. She reminds me a bit like The Pipettes, but with a heavy 90's indie rock influence. It's a very pretty album, with enough underlying darkness to keep the agro prick in me satiated. Very cool stuff.

If you're looking for some good atmospheric black metal-ish type music, the new album 'The Feral Kingdom' by Wormlust is pretty good. There's nothing too groundbreaking, but it's executed well and there are some great ambient stretches on here. It also feels like an ALBUM. Everything flows very well together, and it gets better with every listen, which a lot of metal albums recently have been lacking for me. Good stuff.

Also, I've talked a bit about these releases already, but the new Queens of the Stone Age album '... Like Clockwork' is spectacular, Robedoor's 'Primal Sphere' is easily their best album yet, and 'Joy One Mile' by Stellar Om Source is simply stunning. Also, the new albums from Naam, Zomes, and Warm Soda are also pretty good. Something not good? The new Sleigh Bells. I think I'm pretty much done with Sleigh Bells. I can't really be upset, as the set-up of the band was doomed to entropy from Day One. They produced one really great album, which is more than they had any right to make, but the last two have been really disappointing. But that's neither here nor there. This is still shaping up to be a great year for music.

TWIY: Chapel of Love and Horrors.

This week was pretty badass. First and foremost, I was a groomsman in my friend's wedding, and weddings as 20-30 year old are the best weddings. Weddings in general are stiff, regimented affairs that are designed to make single people feel depressed, married people feel old, and every person like they could ruin everything with one slight social faux-pas. The constant prepping, the massive expenses, and the adamant schedule adherence don't help much either. BUUUUUUUUUT. There was an open bar at the reception, and that makes all of these issues COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.

An open bar wedding reception is one of the great overlooked advantages to being an adult. You look your best, have free alcohol, and friends and family that normally judge you for all the dumb shit you do give you a pretty long leash to get weird. It's the most socially accepted venue to blackout in. In fact, it's almost encouraged in my family/social circle. Seriously, every wedding I've been to at least one person has to be dragged out by two other drunks into someone's car. The wedding had eight groomsmen, and we were all doing everything in our power to get to the bar as soon as possible. But, we had to wait until all the pomp and circumstance had ended. OR DID WE? Girlfriends were texted to bring drinks over to the table, social protocol broke down and several of us got up during the important stuff to grab drinks, caterers were flagged down... it was an unholy spectacle.

Oh, and the love part was fine too. Kudos.
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Spooktober is upon us. Gorblins, Wilches, Deevils. All the scary gang is back for a month of terror. That means it's time for some scary horror movies, and despite my earlier unhappiness about Netflix's movie selection, there are still some pretty good ones on there. Like 'Pumpkinhead' (SEGUE!). The story of man that loses his son in an accident caused by CEEEETEEE FOLKS. This causes the man, played by Lance Henriksen, to seek out one of the aforementioned WILCHES to avenge his child and kill those awful CEEETEEE FOLKS. This is where Pumpkinhead comes in, if you haven't already guessed. It's a solid horror movie with decent special effects, due in large part to the fact that the director is long-time special effects guru Stan Winston.

However, there's a reason this film is pretty much only remembered by horror geeks. First of all, Henriksen and his son have a weird chemistry. Like a creepy, uncomfortable, slightly inappropriate chemistry. Also, this movie doesn't happen if there is ONE GODDAMN CONVERSATION between Henriksen and one of the CEEETEE FOLK. Henriksen was obviously angry that his son was killed, but he seemed to be angry because he thought they left him there alone. Which is not true, first of all. There was someone there attending to him. The rest had left to get help, but were beaten and held captive by the dick that hit the kid and took off upon arrival to their cabin. All he needed was to be told that one thing, and he would've never needed Pumpkinhead's intervention. Also, it's his own damn fault for leaving his five year old Johnathan Lipnicki lookin' motherfucker son all alone in his store with NO SUPERVISION. He was obviously worried about what those wretched CEEETEEE FOLKS would do because he told the spacy idiot kid to stay inside. This is the sticks, bro. The hayseeds would certainly have helped him bring the douche that killed his kid to justice in the most backwoods way possible. Bad parenting, dude. Thumbs down (to the parenting, not the movie).
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The Grapes of Death is an example of the oft-overlooked holding period in zombie films between 'Night of the Living Dead' and 'Dawn of the Dead'. This sort of odd germination period from about 1968 to 1978 was most significantly felt in Europe. Not only were most of the best zombie films during this time European, but almost ALL of them were European. The zombies in these films aren't really the biting, unresponsive type. These zombies are intelligent, violent, and tend to use weapons to dispatch their victims. This film is no exception.

This is the first zombie film made by French director and author Jean Rollin. Rollin is a seemingly forgotten footnote in horror history. This is sad considering he has one of the most distinct styles in the genre. His films are incredibly slow by today's standards, yet very ethereal and gentle despite the extreme violence he uses. Rollin's films are densely atmospheric and loaded with stunning women.

'The Grapes of Death' follows the journey of Elizabeth, a sweet French girl trying to make it to her fiancé in the small vineyard village of Roublès. Unfortunately for her, a new pesticide the vineyard owner at Roublès causes ZOMBIFICATION... or, to be more accurate, crazy brain. So all the locals start getting violent or dead or both, exacerbating Elizabeth's whole 'Getting back to her fiancé' thing. But Elizabeth isn't a shrinking violet in the face of insane duress. She dutifully kills several would-be attackers and exhibits a strong survival instinct. It's not even the prototypical 'horror movie maiden' type of survival instincts. In a way, she reminds me of Clive Owen's character in 'Children of Men'. She just endures and survives to get to her goal, even as dozens of people are dying around her. It's a fascinating, violent, atmospheric film that is often viewed as just a stop-gap take on the zombie genre before the Romero/Fulci explosion in the late 70's and early 80's. It's more than just that. Definitely worth checking out.
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I finally saw Cabin in the Woods. It's obviously a great movie, and I don't have much useful analysis you haven't already heard, but I do have to take issue with the criticism that this film is an overly clever in-joke made exclusively for horror fans. I think that this assertion is incredibly dismissive, as well as a bit demeaning to moviegoers at large. You don't have to pick out the references to Pennywise, 'The Strangers' or Pinhead to understand that these are just part of a ghastly whole. (****SPOILER ALERT****) When they purge the system, they state that it's an army of fucking nightmares, so there's going to be ghosts and zombies, but there are going to be a seemingly endless number of frightening entities of all stripes. If the grander premise of the film doesn't work for you, that's one thing. I don't agree with it AT ALL, but I can understand that the premise is everything in this film, and if you don't like it, then you aren't going to jump onboard. But stating that the film is so insular that it's impenetrable is insulting to even the most ignorant film fan.

Also, fuck Rex Reed. I hope Melissa McCarthy dry gulches him right in his jowls the next time she sees him.
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BROWNS NEWS! Brandon Weeden threw one of the worst interceptions I have ever seen against the Detroit Lions. The defense looked bottled up, with the exception of Joe Haden that absolutely shut down Calvin Johnson. However, no one could fucking stop Joseph Fauria, the king of the Touchdown Dance GIFs. All in all, awful. Also, Walt Coleman is a hayseed cunt that should be stripped of his referee privileges.
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PODCAST NEWS! Cracked.com has a podcast on the Earwolf network now. It's basically Earwolf's version of Radiolab hosted by Jack O'Brien and Michael Swaim, and yes it is as good as that sounds. I cannot recommend it enough. ALSO, Brian Posehn's D&D character on the Nerd Poker podcast, Amarth Amon, died last week in an incredibly embarrassing way. We'll miss you, you giant murderous bastard.
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MUSIC! Ka is a Brooklyn rapper with a new album out called 'The Knight's Gambit'. In a year of pretty great rap albums, this one is one of the best. The album is a cold, foreboding one full of sparse instrumentation that permeates Ka's subdued delivery. His songs are full of violent imagery, tactical ruminations, and existential regret. It's like if Spaceghostpurrp were trying to do a Wu-Tang record. Pretty excellent.

Party Supplies is the alias of Justin Nealis, producer behind the Action Bronson mixtape 'Blue Chips' and intense live DJ (or MPC more accurately). This is definitely not like the 'Blue Chips' mixtape. This is more reminiscent of a mid-2000's DFA album with splashes of 80's dance layered in. It's all the more stunning considering this was released on Fool's Gold Records, a label that also released the incredible 'Run the Jewels' album from earlier this year. The album caught me off guard, but it's still very enjoyable.

Nate Young is a noise music artist and member of the seminal noise band Wolf Eyes. His new album 'Regression: Blinding Confusion' is a departure from Wolf Eyes' aggressive, throbbing fury and sees Young exploring more haunting terrain. Not unlike incidental soundtrack music, this is an album to set a mood. A spooky mood. It fills the gap between albums like Xela's 'The Dead Sea' or a Xander Harris record. Creepy, but worth it for noise fans.