TWIY: Thanksgiving Nonsense.

I have been hearing a lot more people than usual bemoan the marginalization of Thanksgiving this year. Every year you hear the standard arguments from people that Christmas is encroaching further and further into Thanksgiving's modest territory and rendering the holiday more obsolete. These people will then throw in a lot of words like 'FAMILY' and 'TOGETHERNESS' and 'RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS MEDICATION' and other things old people say that you block out because you're too busy not teetering on the precipice of eternal slumber to do more than be politely indifferent.

Now, I will give these people some credit in saying that the Christmas rush is really starting to take liberties with how early they can get away with putting up lights and pushing Christmas sales. I saw some houses in my area put up lights on November 1st. To that I say a hearty 'Fuck You'. Halloween is nothing to fuck with, and Christmas can't go toe-to-toe with Halloween. Also, the holiday is almost two months away. To crib a saying from fantasy guru/co-writer of 'Crocodile Dundee III' Matthew Berry, Don't get too cute here, Christmas. Look, we get it. Your neighbors are inferior CHUDs that need reminding how repugnant they are via massive light displays synchronized to the tune of Fear's 'Fuck Christmas'. You are the Tracey Flick of Extension Cords, and your neighbors need to be reminded of that. But, seriously, Time and Place, dude.

All that said, I welcome this hostile takeover. Why? Because FUCK THANKSGIVING THAT'S WHY. Thanksgiving can blow Hugh Hefner's lifeless, irradiated Chernobyl of a cock for all I care. There are no redeeming qualities to Thanksgiving. First, let's start with the obvious: Family. Fuck your family. Look, I like my parents and my siblings. The rest of my family? Eh. Like any random assortment of people, you've got your clear winners and a lot more losers. I've got some family that will encourage me to drink and smoke on the porch with them, and these same people will SIMUTANEOUSLY JUDGE ME FOR DOING SO. You don't get to do that, fuckhole. I get I'm on the low-end of the success spectrum in my family, but you're the asshole swilling down a fucking sixer of Miller on the porch like its anti-venom and you just fell into a cobra pit. You lost your 'Looking Down on Me' privileges once you stiff armed the six year old during the touch football game. Its not like we're fucking Mormons or anything either. We're Catholics. We drink a fuck load, listen to angry music, and shamefully masturbate with the Our Lady of Guadalupe screen print turned towards the wall. This is our lot in life, and its been that way for a millennia.
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But, despite how bad it can be with relatives within 10 years of your age, its the extremes that really fuck this holiday sideways. The age-ed family members all resent your lack of discipline, your inappropriate demeanor, and your (relative) youth in general. Every conversation with my extended family quickly deteriorates into a fucking indictment on my WAAAAAAAACKY character flaws that aren't being eroded away by society as quickly as they would like. 'Oh, so you're at ANOTHER job now? Well, that's INTERESTING'. I see what you're doing there, Elderly Relative of Marginal Interest to My Life at Large. You do realize that work is not the same as it was 80 years ago when you were still contributing to society, right? I get it. The only time you had to find a new job was when the Triangle Shirt-Waist factory burned down, and you had to find a new place to take your dreams out back to shoot in the head like Old Yeller. But, I don't DO MORNINGS. Nothing good happens in the morning. Except Croissanwiches. Croissanwiches are dope. (Writer's Note: This portion of my screed does NOT apply to my grandma, as she is awesome.)

But the elderly are NOTHING compared to the CHILDREN. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! Fucking children. I hate kids. I honestly cannot stand kids. They demand your constant attention, they're loud as fuck, and they are MEAN. Children are mean. Despicable, really. I remember two Thanksgivings ago, I passed out as I was thoroughly hungover from the night before. I awoke three hours later to a kid fucking slapping me. SLAPPING ME. I was clearly a sleeping entity. Even a goddamn kid knows not to wake a sleeping entity with SLAPPING. Now, that's fucked up enough, but then the goddamn hellion starts doing his ersatz Don Rickles and starts roasting me. He said I looked like Frankenstein (untrue) and that I have a weird nose (accurate, but still hurtful). Everyone thought it was so cute. It wasn't. He knows that's a dick thing to say, but he did it anyway. UNCOOL. Then he went off to abuse my cat or something else children can apparently do without consequence.

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Another added wrinkle to my Thanksgiving pain is my continued vegetarianism. It's been five years now since I started this. It is not a novelty anymore. Stop it. Tofurky is not real turkey, sure. But that just means its not dry as shit despite being slow cooked for three years. Eating turkey is like eating tenderized balsa wood that can only be palatable my ceremonially drowning the goddamn thing in an tankard of gravy. Turkey is a bird that should only be eaten in intensely processed slivers (like God intended) or in some kind of 'Mad Max' survival situation. END OF GODDAMN STORY. Also, Stuffing? Cranberry Sauce? Pumpkin Pie Filler? Yams? It sounds like the holiday was just invented to clear out your fucking pantry before this trash succumbs to botulism.
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As loathsome as Black Friday and all of its subsequent mall tramplings are, I will take that shit every time if it means the eradication of Thanksgiving. Overpaying for knock-off electronics, whilst wedged between two women trying to break a Yankee Candle set over each other's head is nothing compared to sitting around watching the fucking Lions lose every year while mainlining Yuenglings directly into your renal cavity. I would argue Black Friday even has a more honorable origin than Thanksgiving. The proud wheels of commerce rolling over obese, loveless Midwestern women is still better than sad Native Americans and buckle hats. So, in short (not really), go Black Friday, fuck Thanksgiving, and if you need me, I'll be watching Aaron Rodgers' shoulder explode while I drunkenly draw Hand Turkeys.
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PODCAST NEWS! I went back and listened to the third season of Superego this week, and I continue to be surprised at how fucking unbelievable that show is. If you aren't familiar, Superego is a sketch show featuring Jeremy Carter, Matt Gourley (from 'James Bonding'), and Mark McConville. The sketches are character studies of the strangest people I have ever heard. Every episode has at least 20 phrases that have never been uttered before in the English language. It's really beyond description, so I'll just post this. You'll get the idea.
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BROWNS NEWS! Campbell is out. This means that once again Brandon Weeden returns. I'm sure excited to see him overthrow a five yard screen pass and have it get intercepted by a safety playing a deep zone. I'm just glad I'm too busy to watch these games anymore, as I'm certain they would lead to a thunderous aneurysm.

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MUSIC! Gearing up for the massive undertaking that is the end of the year best-of list, so I'm just going to give you some quick hits again. Paavoharju's new record is great, but odd even for them, as they have now incorporated hip-hop into their outsider folk sound. If you're looking for some actual rap, Joey Bada$$ and Durag Dynasty released solid rap LPs this year. The Keats Collective just made all their releases from this year available for free on Bandcamp, and those are all definitely worth your time. I also dove into some punk stuff with RAD and Church Whips. Finally, if you're looking for metal, Pinkish Black, Oozing Wound. and The Body's new records are all pretty good. Happy Turkey Day!

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TWIY: Workin' Man's Blues.

I haven't been updating this site nearly as much as I would like, and this is because I am now a WORKIN' MAN. Yes, I have finally achieved the impossible of failing upwards at my job into a position of mild responsibility. On the one hand, this is great because I can start saving money, become a responsible member of society, and blah blah. But on the other hand, I am pretty well wiped out. I work a moderately high stress job that requires a full pack of cigarettes, two Dunkin Donuts coffees, and a half case of La Croix water to complete with any efficacy. This leaves me very little free time to do anything fun. I'm usually too exhausted to go out after work, I don't really want to watch any particular movies right now, and outside of my weekly Amateur Extreme Contact Jai Alai League, I usually just want to sleep or dick around with the scum of the earth on Call of Duty: Black Ops multiplayer (Yes, I know) when I get home.

Working is pretty much the worst thing about living. As my incredibly jaded father often points out, 'Work is the only thing so awful that they have to pay you to do it', and this is coming from a guy that will work kids a third of his age under the fucking table with a reconstructed leg. I constantly vacillate between the Merle Haggard 'Working Man's Blues' take on work, where there is pride in grinding for most of your life, even if it is essentially miserable, and Aesop Rock's '9-5er's Anthem' take on work, where work is meaningless if it isn't furthering your own Campbellian Bliss. I am a child of disenchanted Rust Belt workers at my core. Most jobs are there to burn through fresh meat and spit you out when you have become obsolescent, but at the same time, I would much rather be a worker than a economic non-combatant.

There is so much to be said for someone that does something, no matter the parameters. No matter how chewed up and disregarded you feel at the end of the day, you still have a sense of accomplishment most of the time. The one good thing about low-level bitch work is that it is tangible. You do X for Y amount of hours and you will get Z amount of money. Now, those variables can fluctuate in fuckawfulness, but that premise remains the same. Until your bosses change them, which has happened at 60% of the jobs I have had. But, again, it's a perspective thing. I could be a child laborer in China making Air Jordans for 20 cents a day. Usually, someone's got it worse than you, and that's certainly true with me. But that trip down Logic Lane usually doesn't help when your on your 17th cigarette of the day and you friend texts you to come to his First and Only Summer Barbeque Extravaganza, where there'll be a free concert with Agalloch and Janelle Monae, and Lexi Belle stopped by to toss out free blowjays, and every keg is filled with Old Rasputin and Curious Traveler. But even then you'll know that having a strong work ethic is worth all the boozy oral sex set to the tune of 'Tightrope' in the world (no it isn't).
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I did manage to dog sit during my time away. I got roped into it as it was my only day off that week, and I'm too good of a person to say no. My brother and his wife are looking for new houses out of town, so I had to watch their dogs Chester and Oscar, as well as my parent's dogs Bella and Brutus. Four dogs. That's usually five dogs too many for me, but I rose to the challenge. First off, a breakdown of these dogs:

Brutus: A big, excitable Labrador of some type I think. Pretty dumb, even for a dog. Found outside our house one day, and was probably beaten pretty viciously by whoever owned him before us.

Bella: A purse dog. Yorkshire/Chihuahua. Very scruffy and needy.

Chester: An oddly proportioned dog that looks like a mix between the first two. He barks. A lot.

Oscar: Some manner of spaniel. Very sweet dog. Had to be forcibly removed from his previous owner's home. There were no specifics, but I can only imagine the circumstances being utterly terrifying. Because of this, he cowers at the sight of almost anyone/thing.

So, I figured I could do what I normally do when forced into this situation: close the door to my room and sleep for 6 hours until the problem took care of itself. But this time, I decided to channel my inner Cesar Milan and make this my day project, and let me tell you something: I AM THE KING OF DOG SITTING. I let them play in the snow, they all got lunchmeat treats, and EVERYONE GOT AS MANY EAR SCRATCHIES AS THEY WANTED. Even Oscar, who up until that day was terrified of me, was happy. I guess what I'm saying is that if you need dog sitting work, I am available.
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The only thing I have taken in over the past three weeks (besides podcasts and music, but I'll get to that later) is Twitter, and goddamn do I love Weird Twitter. Weird Twitter is a collective of people on Twitter that essentially tell jokes in a disjointed fashion, but it's too diverse and strange to sum it up like that. So, in lieu of me talking at length about all the wonderfully odd and beautiful facets of this community, I'm just going to suggest to you some absolutely necessary follows that you should get the fuck up on immediately. And now, a list:

@utilitylimb (Bandit)
@realtraphorse (Trashfuck Squadron)
@bakkooonn (Bakoon)
@davedittell (Dave Dittell)
@dogboner (Michael Hale)
@famoushorse (Horse Ugal. The Man)
@crunkdumpster (Broga Pants)
@djbitchtits (Queso)
@dads_secret (Your Dad)
@briangaar (Brian Gaar)
@dubstep4dads (Dubstep4Dads)
@dril (Wint)

... and my personal favorite...

@Tormny_Pickeals (Tormniably Piackeels)

I'm omitting about 100 or so great ones, but this is a primer of sorts. Check these dudes out (I'm pretty sure they're all dudes).
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PODCAST NEWS! Tom Scharpling was on an episode of 'Analyze Phish', the podcast where Harris Wittels tries to convince someone to like Phish. You need to hear it. Now.
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MUSIC NEWS! Sooooooooooooo much music to discuss. Let's tackle this super rapid-fire style. Tony Touch's 'Return of the 50 MCs' is like a primer for anyone looking to get into hip-hop. As the name suggests, Fifty of the greatest MCs of all-time come together to make one of the best albums of the year. Wormed is a massively aggressive, highly technical metal album that is just punishing from beginning to end. My friend Mike referred to it as 'Geth Metal' after the sentient robots from 'Mass Effect', and I tend to agree with his assessment. I got caught totally off-guard by the awesome self-titled album by the band Melt Yourself Down. Very high energy African jazz-funk type stuff that's worth checking out. The new self-titled Violetshaped is a great gothic electronic album that should be getting a bit more shine than it's been getting. Huerco S. is a really solid album of melancholy electronics in the same vein as Burial. Finally, you already should know how great the new Flaming Lips, Janelle Monae, and YC the Cynic albums are, but if not, get on it.
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TWIY: Blitz'll Putcha in Traction.

The Week in Yeah is Emerald Miasma's weekly round-up of the good, the bad, and the incomprehensible of pop culture, the world at large, and life in general, as seen by me

It's been a second since I have updated things here (thanks to my stunning consistent employment), so there's a lot to talk about. First and foremost, Halloween just ended, and now all of us brooding misanthropes are stuck in the post-Halloween hangover period from now until Thanksgiving, the holiday of the damned. I say hangover period both figuratively and literally, as I got cripplingly drunk and may have forever shifted my body's pH balance in the process.

I dressed up for Halloween, as I want to be a good sport, but keeping in the spirit of not being 'that dude', I did so in a manner that befits a non-asshole in their mid-20's: half-assed, cheaply, and only slightly clever. I went as Freddy Krueger because I have the shirt and hat, and I have access to plastic knives that won't poke me if and when I forget I have them on and try to chug a bottle of Yuengling. I did this mostly because going overboard for Halloween is never a good idea. Oh, you might think that everyone's going to fawn over you and drown you in compliments and willing genitals, but that's never the case. I've seen dozens of cosplaying Etsy Queen wannabes that are forced to stand all night, because their Marie Antoinette costume doesn't allow them to sit down without turning the inside of the dress into that scene from 'Suspiria' where that screamy woman falls into a barbed wire pit. All the girls in the super-revealing sexy costumes are going to be whining for coats 10 minutes into the party. Your latex scars will itch, your fun character props will get snagged in door jams, and the whole thing will only cost about $150.

This is why the best costume is always gorilla suit, no gorilla head, and one of those beer helmets. You're warm, you're festive, you have a veritable IV of alcohol at mouth level, and you can just piss in the costume and no one's going to notice in all likelihood. It's like the hospice care of Halloween costumes.
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Netflix had a pretty terrible horror movie selection on Watch Instant leading up to Halloween, which bummed me out a lot. But, they did have 'TNT Jackson' on Watch Instant recently, so it still manages to prove its worth (barely). 'TNT Jackson' is a kung-fu Blaxploitation movie starring former playmate Jeannie Bell and co-written by DICK FUCKING MILLER. The film follows the titular character through the Hong Kong underground on a search to find her brother, kicking ass all the while. The film has a lot of moderately acceptable kung-fu from Bell, who was never trained in martial arts, but was billed as the two-time Ebony Fist award winner, even though the award was completely made up by B-Movie Svengali Roger Corman. It's action packed, Bell is foxy as fuck, and the film is incredibly short. It's a perfect set up for a solid C-Movie.
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I've been watching a lot of 'River Monsters' on Netflix as well (maybe it's paying off more than I first anticipated). 'River Monsters' is a show where a British dude named Jeremy Wade goes around the world to fish for the biggest, scariest, and most dangerous freshwater fish. That's about it. A man fishing for scary fish. BUUUUUUUT, the show is still fascinating. Wade is a very intriguing dude, with some odd, unexplained back story that makes him seem like some kind of international spy. Each episode follows a similar path: Wade reads a story of someone swimming in a terrifying river that was eaten, he flies there, talks to some natives, catches some lesser scary fish, undergoes some kind of local blessing, catches the scary fish (although, to be fair, not always), and then releases the fish and decides whether or not the fish could kill someone.

Normally, I fear no fish. Fish are dumb, and I could just punch most of them and they'd swim away an chew on an aquatic plant. But, some of these fish are FUCKING TERRIFYING. There's a catfish called the Wels Catfish that can get up to 800 pounds in Spain. Again, this is in a fucking river. That shit could 86 your ass in no time. There's another fish in the Amazon called the Arapaima that launches itself like a missile out of the water if it gets cornered and it's like the size of a scuba tank. This show has taught me many things. Mongolia is beautifully terrifying and full of bandits, the Amazon is a death trap, the Congo River is easily the most horrifying river to ever be a river, and I actually owned one of these fish at one point in my life.

The Pacu is a vegetarian relative of the piranha, and has killed people in Papua New Guinea or something by BITING OFF DICKS. I owned a dick biting fish for like four years in my little tropical fish tank as a child. The fucking thing got so big that we had to bury it in the backyard when it died. Dick biting fish should not be allowed in a household fish tank. Dick biting fish should not even be allowed IN THE WILD. PetCo should be held accountable for all the potential dicks lost to these nightmare fish with a clear grudge against humanity.
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It took 15 years, but I finally broke ONE MILLION points in 'Tony Hawk: Pro Skater'. I await your inevitable forthcoming praise.
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BROWNS NEWS! The Browns win! They have defeated the Baltimore Ravens for the first time in eleven games. Davone Bess redeems himself in a huge way after the disaster that was the Chiefs game. Jason Campbell continues to be the anti-Weeden. Buster Skrine is becoming an excellent cornerback, which I would have NEVER seen coming. The Browns are now 4-5, and are looking up. They're even in the playoff hunt as of right now. All in all, I am excited about the rest of this season. 11-5 starts today!
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FANTASY FOOTBALL UPDATE! Week 9 has just ended, and I am still currently in SECOND PLACE. Now, I did lose this week, and I currently sit at 5-4, and I am technically tied with two other dudes in my division, and if I were in the other division I would be in 7th place, and Arian Foster is hurt, and I can't trade RG3 away to anybody, and I only have 3 running backs on my entire roster, and I'm definitely going to lose to my brother this week, and I'm probably going to limp into the playoffs, but hey, SECOND PLACE!!!!! FUCK ALL Y'ALL FOR THIS VERY SHORT PERIOD OF TIME!
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PODCAST NEWS! Lots to get to here. First and foremost, 'The Best Show on WFMU' is ending after 13 years in December. I cannot express my sadness about this, and I'll probably dedicate a much larger piece to this news closer towards the end of it's run. But, that said, my heart hurts from the news. I wish the best of luck going forward not just to Tom Scharpling, Jon Wurster, and Mike Lisk, but to anyone that has helped make 'The Best Show' one of the most meaningful programs I have ever been thankful enough to listen to. Seven more weeks. I'm sure they will be as incredible as always

On to some lighter subject matter, 'James Bonding' is a podcast with Matt Mira of 'The Nerdist' and Matt Gourley of 'Superego' where they dissect each of the Bond films with a guest, and I cannot recommend this enough. First off, any time I get to hear Matt Gourley talk is a treasure. Gourley is such a sweet man with such a twisted mind. He manipulates language like few people in comedy today. It's also good to hear Matt Mira without Jonah Ray constantly cutting him down or cutting him off (I like Jonah, but still) or Chris Hardwick doing his nonsense Ryan Secrest-esque dance of nerd neutrality and baseless positivity. Mira can really shine when he's not needlessly encumbered. The show is very thorough and the two Matts clearly know what they're talking about. It also reminded me of the goddamn 'Die Another Day' song Madonna did, and that really is one of the worst songs I have ever heard. So, thanks? Definitely worth checking out.
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MUSIC! The new Future of the Left album 'How to Stop Your Brain in an Accident' is fucking excellent. It's probably Andy Falkous at his most vitriolic, which is really saying something considering its source. Lines like 'But now he knows the truth about her former life/ She'll be passed around at parties in his sleep' are commonplace. This also the most adventurous the band has been since the Mclusky days, breaking their standard neo-punk sound up with pianos and acoustic guitars on occasion. Seriously, if you don't know about Future of the Left, get the fuck on it.

From the excellent Burger Records comes the second album from Peach Kelli Pop. PKP is a lady songwriter with a strong sunny pop core, but some pretty aggressive guitars complimenting the cheeriness. She reminds me a bit like The Pipettes, but with a heavy 90's indie rock influence. It's a very pretty album, with enough underlying darkness to keep the agro prick in me satiated. Very cool stuff.

If you're looking for some good atmospheric black metal-ish type music, the new album 'The Feral Kingdom' by Wormlust is pretty good. There's nothing too groundbreaking, but it's executed well and there are some great ambient stretches on here. It also feels like an ALBUM. Everything flows very well together, and it gets better with every listen, which a lot of metal albums recently have been lacking for me. Good stuff.

Also, I've talked a bit about these releases already, but the new Queens of the Stone Age album '... Like Clockwork' is spectacular, Robedoor's 'Primal Sphere' is easily their best album yet, and 'Joy One Mile' by Stellar Om Source is simply stunning. Also, the new albums from Naam, Zomes, and Warm Soda are also pretty good. Something not good? The new Sleigh Bells. I think I'm pretty much done with Sleigh Bells. I can't really be upset, as the set-up of the band was doomed to entropy from Day One. They produced one really great album, which is more than they had any right to make, but the last two have been really disappointing. But that's neither here nor there. This is still shaping up to be a great year for music.