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Since I started this a week or so ago, this column has been the main focus of my free time. I've sought out old mix tapes, scanned tons of YouTube videos, and done a lot of soul searching over the last couple days, and I have no idea how I came to like what I like today. I don't want to mince words, but I was a goofball. A whiny putz listening to any dumb thing I saw on MTV or VH1. I'm guessing that it was the Wu-Tang Clan and Fugazi that steered me to the music I like today, but I think it was more sheer luck than a conscious decision to explore more interesting stuff. I always had an intellectual curiosity about music, and by process of elimination logic should dictate I would get there eventually, but after going back to a lot of the music I loved in my formative years, I really don't know. By all rights I should be sitting at some suburban bar playing some deep cuts off of the first Tantric album, talking about the great guitar work of Todd Whitener. What a beautiful asshole. Hey, speaking of Tantric...
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Tantric - 'Astounded'. From the 2001 album 'Tantric'.
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Jesus Christ. Music really doesn't get dumber than this. This has all the trappings of a bad early 2000s band. Is it overwrought? Are the band members four different, but essentially socially acceptable polished rock dudes? Do they say 'fuckers' for no apparent reason to seem edgy? Yes to all. The band rose from the ashes of Days of the New, a band that I never listened to as their name was utterly repellent even to 13 year old me. They formed Tantric by adding the growly voiced lead singer you see in the video, who is apparently doing ASL to the deaf members of the audience (THOUGHTFUL!). They're also from Kentucky, which makes perfect sense in retrospect. I listened to this band a lot. Too much actually, which of course is more than once. This song was on many a shitty mix tape of mine. That guitar was revelatory at the time, (SOOO EASTERN INFLUENCED!) and of course that 'stupid fuckers' line hooked 13 year old me. NO ONE GETS ME! But looking back, this is such a bummer, man. Generic rock, plastic women and a drummer that looks like he'd rather be playing with Dokken. This is post-grunge at it's most bleak and beaten down. Even though all the band members are gone except the lead growler, Tantic still somehow sadly exists to this day and plan on releasing another terrible album later this year. This is one of the biggest musical regrets I have.
BLITZ GIVES THIS SONG ONE STUPID FUCKER OUT OF FIVE.
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Ma$e - 'Feel So Good'. From the 1997 'Harlem World'.
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It's hard to imagine how Ma$e ever got famous. Even as a friend of Sean 'Puffy' Combs', the maestro of the biggest rap enclave on earth at the time, Combs should have known to not made this guy a superstar. Despite being in a rap group with Cam'Ron, Ma$e is a liability on mic. It's not being relatable or charming, he's awful. He has the delivery of JaMarcus Russell after being locked in a Rite-Aid for a week, and the voice of and confidence as a 17 year old high school athlete being interviewed for public access television. For someone that postures like he's a fucking Gambino, he looks and sounds like a contest winner. He also may be a worse dancer than Puffy, which I thought was physically impossible. This album went platinum four fucking times on the back of this single, which is batshit. Considering the fact that the East Coast/West Coast battle was centered around Bad Boy and Death Row is astonishing now. Bad Boy had ONE solid artist for the length of the feud, Biggie Smalls, and I'm not even a huge fan of his. Bad Boy has an impressively awful track record. Outside of Biggie and Janelle Monae, their next best record may be by The Lox. That's not good. Ma$e has famously been in a contact dispute with Bad Boy for years. He's retired to become a minister, been cockblocked by Diddy from joining 50 Cent's crew, released, resigned, and so forth. There have been bidding wars over Ma$e, which I think is nuts. He seems like an OK dude in his personal life, but Jesus he can't rap.
Here's a true story: I owned a lime green FUBU jersey with a crimson '05' on the front, in honor of Bad Boy's garish aesthetic. I wore it to a Bob Evans family breakfast once, and all of my older cousins knew that I was essentially wearing a neon 'Kick Me' sign around in my everyday life.
Here's a true story: I owned a lime green FUBU jersey with a crimson '05' on the front, in honor of Bad Boy's garish aesthetic. I wore it to a Bob Evans family breakfast once, and all of my older cousins knew that I was essentially wearing a neon 'Kick Me' sign around in my everyday life.
"Doesn't his shirt look nice, Josh?", my mother asked in an insistent tone to my cousin.
"Yeah, it's great", he said holding back his laughter.
The rest of the table chuckled derisively, even my dad I think. I need to add at this point that this was sort of this shirt's unveiling, and it was ostensibly a safe zone, racist church-goers stewing over their sausage gravy bowls not withstanding. I went to Catholic school, so I wore a uniform and never got a chance to wear this monstrosity around my peers. That is until we had a dress-down day. Dress-down days are like fucking Mardi Gras to Catholic kids, and the peacocking that takes place is astonishing. We've had months to plan this day, and it can spell disaster to anyone that is easily swept up in the fads of the time. So the day arrives, and this is the ensemble I landed on:
-FUBU jersey
-Green cargo pants with zip-away knees to turn them into (GASP!) cargo shorts, frayed at the bottom with a bungie cord belt
-Bike chain necklace
-Wide Wire-Rimmed glasses
-Spiked hair
-Shawn Kemp Reeboks
That's unacceptable. It's totally idiotic, and it didn't take long for me to be rebuked by the upperclassmen.
"Hey Blitz! Whassssup, Homeboy? You Gettin' Jiggy with some hos later tonight? HAHAHA!"
Yeah, I deserved that.
BLITZ GIVES THIS SONG ONE FISH EYE LENS OUT OF FIVE.
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Powerman 5000 - 'When Worlds Collide'. From the 1999 album 'Tonight the Stars Revolt!'.
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Rob Zombie is one of the most important rock stars of the 90s. With his band White Zombie, he transitioned from pretty good garage rock band that few people cared about, to hard rock superstars that set the tone for dozens of other bands to follow, to a solo career that was just as successful as his band was, to directing grind house movies that people consider pretty good that star Sid Haig and Chris Hardwick, to doing atrocious remakes of beloved horror classics. All in all, he's probably the most successful heavy rock/metal/whatever star of that era. Spider One, Rob's younger brother and frontman of Powerman 5000, is not. PM5K was in the same vein as White Zombie, Korn, Etc, but with a space twist. While Rob's music was very horror movie centric, Spider's music was very campy sci-fi centric. Their albums were full of space imagery, but the DARK SIDE OF IT, BRO. I wore this album the fuck out. I actually liked this album a lot more than any of Rob's work, and I'd say that still holds true to this day. Granted, that isn't saying much, but I feel like that would get me stabbed if I said that around some of my former restaurant kitchen co-workers. Like many albums of this era, there was one very calculated, tossed off curse, this time in the middle of a lazy interlude. This phenomenon was brought up on the excellent Low Times Podcast during a discussion of The Most 90's Song of All-Time. In the discussion, the panelists bring up several interesting Nineties songs tropes, one of which was the idea of the pronounced, calculated inclusion of a single curse on a hit single to give a band some unearned credibility. That's what I have come to understand over the years, and was put into very sharp focus during the Low Times discussion. This stuff is ALL VERY CALCULATED. There are no happy accidents with these types of songs. This is all passed through filter after filter, from engineer to exec to A&R guy to manager to MTV to advertisers all to create a thoroughly agreed upon consensus of acceptability. This sounds cynical, and it is, but I don't think that's necessarily an assuredly terrible thing. Don't get me wrong, it usually is, but every once in a while the MAN will spit out a 'SexyBack'. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've seen PLENTY of hipster women jamming out to the Gin Blossoms. Anyway, to get back to PM5K, the band continues to release albums with varying levels of success. They even have another coming out sometime next year. I know I haven't ragged on this song nearly as much some others, and its because I don't really despise this album like the rest of these entries. The video isn't gross and sickly like so many other videos of that era. It's cheap, harmless and fine.
BLITZ GIVES THIS SONG THREE LASERBEAMS OUT OF FIVE.
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Dexter Freebish - 'Leaving Town'. From the 2000 album 'A Life of Saturdays'.
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Of all the forgettable bands of this era, this is one of the most forgettable. Honestly, do you actually remember Dexter Freebish? If so, are you in Dexter Freebish? Because I've never heard anyone talk about this band, even during their 'heyday'. They must have had fans other than myself, because this song reached #22 on the pop charts back when that meant something. For such an innocuous band, they actually have a moderately intriguing back story. You see, this isn't just some ordinary straight-to-VH1 song. This was selected as Song of the Year in the John Lennon Songwriting Contest back in 1999. This contest, which was started by Yoko Ono in 1997, features past winners of note such as Dexter Freebish (which, if you're wondering why they chose the dumb name, comes from a Houston rollercoaster) and several bar bands. This launched them into moderate obscurity and got them signed to Capitol Records back when that also meant something sort of. The song is an ode to a loved one's shattered dreams essentially. The singer talks about how his significant other is leaving town (imagine that), and how he'll be here when she fucks up and has to come home. It's one of the most spiteful songs I think I've ever heard, which is strange considering how poppy the song is. What sounds like a fun, forgettable pop song meant to be disposed of quickly is actually a pretty big Fuck You to anyone with aspirations outside of what seems to be a Gold Rush ghost town, according to the video. Seriously, What kind of asshole tells a person he loves, "Hey, I'll be here when you INEVITABLY FUCK THIS DUMB DREAM OF YOURS UP. Get me a pack of Camels on your way back, too. Peace, Bitch." I actually owned this album. Yes, I was the one person. I bought it at a Sam's Club and made my parents play this in the car all the time, which sounds like a
Good Charlotte lyric, but it's actually a true life thing that happened to me. I was actually more a fan of their song 'My Madonna' from the same album, but this was the song with the half-rent video, so that's why it's here. After this minor hit, they went on to license a lot of their songs out to video games and even played at the fucking 2004 Republican National Convention (!!!). Must be the Texas thing. They still exist, I guess. Who really knows why? After doing research on a couple of these bands, I'm shocked that 90% of these fucking bands are still together. Maybe they're trying to ride out the unhip part of their existence until the disgusting 'ironic love/nostalgia act' phase of their career begins. It's certainly not because they love music.
BLITZ GIVES THIS SONG ONE SPITEFUL LOVER OUT OF FIVE.
Good Charlotte lyric, but it's actually a true life thing that happened to me. I was actually more a fan of their song 'My Madonna' from the same album, but this was the song with the half-rent video, so that's why it's here. After this minor hit, they went on to license a lot of their songs out to video games and even played at the fucking 2004 Republican National Convention (!!!). Must be the Texas thing. They still exist, I guess. Who really knows why? After doing research on a couple of these bands, I'm shocked that 90% of these fucking bands are still together. Maybe they're trying to ride out the unhip part of their existence until the disgusting 'ironic love/nostalgia act' phase of their career begins. It's certainly not because they love music.
BLITZ GIVES THIS SONG ONE SPITEFUL LOVER OUT OF FIVE.
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Eiffel 65 - 'Blue (Da Ba Dee)'. From the 1998 album 'Europop'.
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Speaking of bands in their nostalgia phase, long before Iron Man 3 there were just two brothers that adored eurotrash techno music. My brother and I will never get the fucking year back that this album took from us. YES. I SAID 'ALBUM'. WE LISTENED TO THE WHOLE FUCKING ALBUM ABOUT 100 TIMES. There's not a lot going on with this song, but there's certainly a lot going on with that video. First and foremost, LEATHER BASEBALL CAP. No one can wear that. Not even a spray-tanned male prostitute that was wrangled from Ibiza's sunny shores in a ketamine haze and deposited in a German recording studio that smelled like clove cigarettes and stale cum to lay down some nonsense in mangled English over a Real McCoy B-Side. Secondly, The video looks like a PS2 Oddworld game palate swapped to blue with a blond dude Hadouken-ing all over the place. Thirdly, it takes Leather Ball Cap about two minutes to realize that he's playing to a crowd of blue aliens. Perhaps it's the ketamine again. Finally, as my friend Jeremy pointed out years ago, blond dude doesn't actually play that keyboard in the concert. He just waves his hands like an asshole. NOT BUYING IT, EIFFEL 65. The band is credited for pioneering the use of Auto-Tune in their work, so you can thank them for that. They also tried to do a half-assed virtual band by introducing the character Zorotl (you would know him as one of the blue aliens in the above video). So they were on the cutting edge of a lot of useless non-musical music tropes. The band released two albums after this one that tanked pretty hard, and the band disbanded in 2010. But fear not! The band reunited two years later and announced a still unreleased fourth album. Maybe Iron Man will inspire them to complete their quest. Either way, I don't really care. This is usually a go-to guilty pleasure for most people my age, so I guess it's not all that shocking that I liked it. That doesn't make it any less dumb.
BLITZ GIVES THIS SONG THREE BLACK TURTLENECKS OUT OF FIVE.
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Speaking of bands in their nostalgia phase, long before Iron Man 3 there were just two brothers that adored eurotrash techno music. My brother and I will never get the fucking year back that this album took from us. YES. I SAID 'ALBUM'. WE LISTENED TO THE WHOLE FUCKING ALBUM ABOUT 100 TIMES. There's not a lot going on with this song, but there's certainly a lot going on with that video. First and foremost, LEATHER BASEBALL CAP. No one can wear that. Not even a spray-tanned male prostitute that was wrangled from Ibiza's sunny shores in a ketamine haze and deposited in a German recording studio that smelled like clove cigarettes and stale cum to lay down some nonsense in mangled English over a Real McCoy B-Side. Secondly, The video looks like a PS2 Oddworld game palate swapped to blue with a blond dude Hadouken-ing all over the place. Thirdly, it takes Leather Ball Cap about two minutes to realize that he's playing to a crowd of blue aliens. Perhaps it's the ketamine again. Finally, as my friend Jeremy pointed out years ago, blond dude doesn't actually play that keyboard in the concert. He just waves his hands like an asshole. NOT BUYING IT, EIFFEL 65. The band is credited for pioneering the use of Auto-Tune in their work, so you can thank them for that. They also tried to do a half-assed virtual band by introducing the character Zorotl (you would know him as one of the blue aliens in the above video). So they were on the cutting edge of a lot of useless non-musical music tropes. The band released two albums after this one that tanked pretty hard, and the band disbanded in 2010. But fear not! The band reunited two years later and announced a still unreleased fourth album. Maybe Iron Man will inspire them to complete their quest. Either way, I don't really care. This is usually a go-to guilty pleasure for most people my age, so I guess it's not all that shocking that I liked it. That doesn't make it any less dumb.
BLITZ GIVES THIS SONG THREE BLACK TURTLENECKS OUT OF FIVE.
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